Please fill out the red boxes in the following form as honestly as possible. At most there will be 4 questions. Dig deep, pull hard, remember back if you have to. They were good times. Every sticky one of them. The box will turn green when your answer has been accepted, when all the answers have been filled in, you'll see a 'Calculate' button.

  1. I am years old.
  2. During my prime monkey spanking teenage years - let's say from 14 to 19 - I reckon I would beat the bishop about times per week.
  3. From 20 to now, despite (sometimes) having a job, crushing responsibilities and when I'm really lucky someone else to take the 'pressure' off - on average I would say I managed to polish the rifle about times per week.
  4. If I was to make a very rough guess, the average time it takes for me to get from zero to firing off some knuckle children is about minutes.

Please fill in all the red boxes...


The results are in... Ready?

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As a 40 year old male, based on your answers, you have jacked the beanstalk approximately:

4900 times

Using your average time to vinegar stroke, you've spent around:

48360 minutes

of your life shaking the ketchup bottle. Or in a more readable way, that works out to be:

33 days

16 hours

0 mins

Getting a little bit more graphic; if you were to work out the amount of baby batter that amounts to, you'd be looking at something like 11402ml, which in a more (or perhaps less) digestable format is about:

22.6 pints

If you're interested in the calculations, you can click here.

Aha, the curious type. Based on over 30 studies, the volume of seminal fluid in an ejaculation averages out to be 3.4ml. However, whilst we're all aware that the first pop *might* be 3.4ml, if you keep going, you'll eventually hit the ghost load.

We're also all aware that this doesn't last forever and pretty soon (maybe the next day) you're ready to go again. So we looked into how much seminal fluid you make each day. This turned out to be a pretty hard number to find. And believe us, we read a ton. The commonly cited number, however, is 0.4ml (Clark and Sherins, 1986).

Except based on our own (and our colleagues) first hand (pun intended) knowledge, plus a ton of reading on forums, websites, and goodness knows where else, we sort of concluded that a) the body holds more than one load (again, super hard to find out volume in the body. What do you go on? Ball size? Prostate size? 2-5% comes from the testes, 65-75% from the seminal vesicles, 25-30% from the prostate and less than 1% from the bulbourethral glands), and b) that you could probably shoot two pretty decent loads in a week.

So we crunched some numbers and went on one time being 3.4ml, two times 6.4ml (a slight decrease) and then pretty much halved each spurt from that point onwards (which averages out to about 1.4ml a go if you're on it once a day). Which seemed fair enough. But if anyone has a *really decent* study on this, we'll re-run the numbers.

To complicate matters further, we also discovered "after adjusting for covariates, semen volume decreased by 0.03ml per year of age" from the age of 22. So we've thrown that math in as well. We made our baseline 3.4ml up to 22, when it decreases by 0.03ml for every subsequent year.

In case you're curious, the seminal fluid isn't ALL sperm. It's mostly there to help the sperm do their 'thang'... But in a healthy, fully grown male there's something like 300 million swimmers in every ml of seminal fluid.

Lesson over. Phew.

Now let's assume you live to the ripe old age of 84, the current expected age for a man. Were you to continue to beat the meat as often as you are now, you would have another glorious:

6532 times

to look forward to. Which, if you're going to make some space in the diary, is about:

47 days

16 hours

33 mins

It's also another:

26.76 pints

or so that you're going to have to find tissues for :-)

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Gents, if you're want to keep milking the trouser snake to 84 (and beyond) don't forget to check your testicles regularly, and as and when, make sure your prostate is as it should be.

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